As our own Jeff Passan is wont to say, here are two more reasons why all new fathers should tie their sons’ right hands behind their backs at birth.

According to Philly’s WIP (via The 700 Level), the Phillies are bringing 46-year-old Jamie Moyer back into the fold for two more years.

Yes, this from the same team that wanted its fans to believe that 32-year-old Pat Burrell was starting to resemble The Cryptkeeper before going out to replace him with an even crustier 37-year-old Raul Ibanez.

Meanwhile, Andy Pettitte is the subject of this offseason’s looniest whisper. According to SI’s Jon Heyman (via MLBTR), the 36-year-old southpaw has (had?) an offer in hand from a team willing to give him a three-year, $36 million deal. I’m going to join Brian Cashman out on that sturdy limb and say that the boast is crafted from highest-grade Texas cow manure.

After all, if it were true, Pettitte’s people would have set land-speed records trying to sign and make things official before said club knew what it was doing. 

But on the off-chance it’s true? Well, then, go crazy, folks! The recession has ended!

Cole Hamels still has the Mets’ number, and it’s 660 on the AM dial in New York City.

Hamels, in the obviously comfortable position of being the reigning World Series MVP, called the Amazins "choke artists" in a radio interview on the Mets flagship station, WFAN, on Thursday.

Well, at least he thinks of them as artists. Here’s Hamels (left) offering Carlos Delgado his brush back. (Get it? Brushback?)

Hamels was referring to the past two seasons, when the Mets blew late leads in the NL East and watched the Phillies overtake them for the division title.

When the hosts tried to get Hamels to back off a little, he didn’t, saying, "For the past two years they’ve been choke artists."  (Listen here)

There probably are a few million Mets fans, even, who agree with Hamels, but his comments still are bound to go over well (sarcasm) in Gotham City. Here’s a story in the New York Post, which never plays up anything (sarcasm).

For a lovely 1-2 punch, Hamels comments can be coupled with Ruben Amaro’s recent assessment that the Mets signing K-Rod won’t impact the Phillies much because New York has "had Billy Wagner and we still beat them the last two years in our division."

For a lovely 1-2-3 punch, remember Chase Utley at the All-Star Game’s Home Run Derby.

These world phunking champions are phun!

A big BLS head nod goes to the Phillies Zone.

Eager to see a gaggle of hungry sportswriters make 35 double-doubles disappear faster than Lance Burton could, Jeff Passan and I went to In-N-Out tonight for a little cheer in the form of mustard-fried animal-style deliciousness. Back at Bellagio, we were hailed as burger kings and it should go without saying that I haven’t seen so many happy baseball writers since the Phillies ensured we wouldn’t have to go back to Tampa Bay for Game 6 of the World Series.

Since everyone here has been working hard in this Internet, information-first age, we were only too happy to share with our fellow writers, just as we were glad to give our hungry cabbie and the hotel’s taxistand lady a free burger. However, the security guards who immediately started tailing us because we were carrying huge cardboard boxes through the casino weren’t as lucky.

It was actually pretty cool how quickly they became suspicious we were toting explosives inside a Solo cup receptacle, though.

In-N-Out: The Official Burger Joint of East and Midwest Baseball Scribes Everywhere. 

This post is dedicated to the In-N-Out hatin’ fellas over at Walkoff Walk.

As someone who doesn’t get overly thrilled or excited over arbitration news, I’m happy to see that only 24 players were offered it before last night’s deadline. Mostly because it means we’ll only have to fret over whether two dozen guys will accept the offers —  and most of the lucky oat-sowers surely won’t — before the Dec. 7 deadline. 

You know who probably isn’t happy to see clubs not getting clingy at the last moment, though? Guys like the Phillies’ Pat Burrell. Once thought to be a surefire arb recipient, Burrell was informed on Monday that the Phillies weren’t going to take the risk of having him find a dry market for outfielders and then come back to the Phils at an increased price they aren’t willing to pay.

Here’s one of the smartest takes I’ve read on the lack of arbitration offerings this season. 

The Phillies are not alone in this free agent tactic. As one reader put it "The fact that so many teams refused to offer arbitration to their pending FAs tells me that many teams see significantly reduced revenue for 2009 and they do not want to risk high arbitration awards just to secure additional draft picks. In an uncertain economy, with the possibility of decreased revenues, and very tight money, additional investment in a high risk, longterm return draft pick does not look quite so attractive." [Beerleaguer]

Might this be another harbinger for some cautious baseball belt-tightening for ‘09?

A few other links from around the league …

• If you’re a fan of a team looking to give up some draft picks, the fellas at Walkoff Walk have a handy-dandy guide to both the players who were offered arbitration and also those players who’ll come on the cheap because they weren’t offered arb. [WoW]

• Question #1: When the Braves shipped Mike LHampton to the Astros on Monday, was he packed in bubble wrap? Question #2: After receiving his new free agent via UPS, did Astros GM Ed Wade look at the "Fragile" stamped on the box and say, "Must be Italian?" [Bugs & Cranks]

• The Cubs-Kerry Wood divorce is now officially official. [Wrigleyville23]

• Anyone else catch A-Rod’s outfit at that Madonna concert in Miami? I don’t believe I’ve ever used the word "foppish" here on the Stew, but there’s a first … [LoHud Yankees Blog]

• Blue Jays owner Ted Rogers passed away Monday at the age of 75. [Tao of Stieb]

I’ve watched my fair share of Phillies parade videos over the past month and most of them have been awful. Shot on cellphones by fans who already drank their fair share of Yuengling, few of the "films" approached the greatness of Ryan Howard’s beer grab or the enchanting singing magic of Sonny Forriest, Jr.  The video above, however, might take the cake as the best compilation I’ve had the pleasure of clicking on. Making good use of a hot Kings of Leon track, the video features both Harry Kalas and a certain timeless feel even though it was shot just recently — you know, just like an Inside The NFL highlight.  

BONUS!: Though it has nothing to do with baseball, I’ve watched this video of an old man crying on the Philadelphia news at least 15 times this morning. (Thanks, Meech!)